Feminism in pictures

This week has been pretty good. It has involved a lot of thinking about women and many good conversations.

I had a calm, reasonable and gently powerful dinner with Cln on Wednesday. It was kind of sad, but good. It is nice to negotiate a situation so that it is resolved with my needs in mind, but smoothly and diplomatically, too. I don't think I hurt his feelings. I left wondering, Am I going to be alone and unyielding forever? But I'd also trusted my judgment and acted appropriately. I think there is something to that.

I had a different experience on Thursday. I was on my way to buy the Economist and in a bouncy, post-election mood. I got stopped by an androgynous young woman with a clipboard, petitioning for human rights. "Did you know it is legal to be fired from your job for being gay in 35 US States?" Having heard that Californians had passed Proposition 8 on the same night that they elected Barack Obama, I told her I'd believe anything. Five minutes later, I'd given her organization 35 bucks. I walked away feeling terribly uneasy. Why had I done that? I should have thought that through before signing my name. I've only given money once before, to NPR. What had I implicated myself in?

Friday and Saturday were largely spent at a Feminism and Legal Theory conference. What a phenomenal group of women! All lawyers, all tough and bright, all funny and human. And thoughtful. I haven't been to many conferences, but I felt like I'd like to be a part of something like this one in the future. It wasn't radical, but it wasn't boring, either. And it just felt like a conference organized by women. It was interesting. I found myself sitting there wondering, What is this feeling I have? I can't quite explain it. I feel a quiet sense of accomplishment - but what is it that I have achieved? Why did dinner with Cln make me feel kind of good about myself? Why do I feel confident in my support of gay rights, but uneasy about my uncritical, almost thoughtless commitment? Why does this new discovery of Feminism mean, and how will it guide my ideas and my studies?

In a recent email to A. in Israel, I described the renewal of my friendship with Csmn, which has made me really happy these past weeks. I explained:

It's been really good. I've been able to say: I always felt like I was coming out from underneath you and meeting your demands when we were friends, and it made me feel inadequate to an absolutely paralyzing degree. I don't want it to be like that if we are to try this again. I have a very different approach to life than you do, but I don't always want to step over into your perspective so that we can talk. I want to talk about Tolstoy even though you think Dostoevsky is better. I want to talk about a natural perspective even though you know everything there is to know about theory. And he's listened, it's kind of amazing. I can hear a gentle sidestep in him sometimes, as he makes way for my less articulate and less certain ideas.

I think this is at the heart of the feeling I've been having: that a lot of the things I'm thinking about are new and fragile, but I've somehow developed the skills to make space for them to develop and evolve. I still feel pretty stupid most of the time, but I've also been able to develop a switch that says, So be it if you are. They'll let you know. Just get to work.

And so I do. We'll see what comes of it.